LaToya S smith

I wrote this in 2019. It has taken me six years to be confident enough to share this. Healing is not linear, folks. I heard a man say that our purpose in life is to help people going through the hard things we once dealt with. So here it is.

In April 2016, I became a stay-at-home mother to my son, Levi.
In March 2019, I was prescribed supervised visitation with my son, Levi.
On Mondays and Tuesdays, I had two hours.
Saturdays or Sundays, I had four.
Sometimes six, depending on what hours we had to make up.

The day I was told I would have to have a court-appointed monitor present for me to see my son, I fought and cried at the absurdity.

I literally pushed my friends off of me in the courthouse as they tried to embrace me and tell me that everything was going to be okay.

Then I got grateful. I started to care less about how I would see my son and more about the fact that I was seeing him. I wasn’t sure how it would work. We used to spend every waking moment together. I was able to read with him, watch him play in his room, color, do flashcards—anything. Now, I had to be with him in a public place with a person paid to watch me interact with him.

There were rules.

Nothing ridiculous, especially for someone like me who doesn’t yell at or hit my child—or anyone else, for that matter. We had to stay in the monitor’s line of vision, since I was considered a kidnapper.

I thank God I am not the type of person who is easily embarrassed or humiliated, because having your autonomy with your own child temporarily suspended is a situation that lends itself to those types of feelings.

If you’re in a similar situation, I’m sending you the most heartfelt prayers and good energy. You will get through it. The advice I was given was not to be too emotional about it. So hard for me. I am a super emotional person. My son was my life. I say “was” because I have now realized that I am also my life. Try to stay grounded. If you have a belief system, cling to its tenets. Whatever you do, don’t die. I begged for death one night. I was so done. I was so sad. I was living in a tiny studio in the winter. The heater didn’t work. There were so many bumps in the night. It was my rock bottom. For about 30 days, I prayed, cried, watched church, went to church, walked around the neighborhood, and questioned my existence. Then I landed a job and an apartment. I am proof that it gets better.

So, where do you take your offspring when you have supervised visitation? Here’s where we went:

Parks – Easy peasy. Levi would play, and I would call my family on FaceTime so they could see and talk to him. There are great parks in my area, and there was enough space for the monitor to watch me, yet not be too close, as she understood I wasn’t a danger to my kid at all.
The library! – So much fun, and as a woman who loves books and makes reading a priority for my kids, this was a great way to connect and fill my cup as well.
Restaurants – On the weekends, I would take him to have breakfast before going to a spot to have fun. La Brea Bakery was my favorite spot to take him to. Their goodies are top-tier, and it’s also just a beautiful place.
The mall – Endless things to look at, food, and places to sit in case you want to be able to play a game or do some flashcards. Additionally, lots of shopping malls have indoor play spaces for kids to enjoy.
Indoor play spaces! – Many indoor play spaces have memberships you can purchase. If you opt to just pay as you go, the rates are usually very affordable. There are endless toys to choose from, and you have the chance to watch your little one interact with other kids.
Local attractions – For me, this was the La Brea Tar Pits, The Broad, Cayton Children’s Museum, and other pop-ups around town. I’d have to pay for parking for myself and the monitor. This might be true for you too.
Stores – I loved going to Home Depot with him. It was something we did a lot before the separation, so I wanted to keep that going. It makes sense to shop with them since, when they are able to spend nights with you again, they will need things.

Again, if you are going through this, I am so sorry. I am holding you close to my heart. Your baby loves you, and your baby needs you. Make sure you eat and nourish yourself as well as you can. God bless you.